This is a particularly sore subject with me, but since one of my most favorite people in the world asked me to write about it, I can't deny the request. It is deeply personal, and probably the only deeply personal blog entry the public will see from me. All my other deeply personal blogs are private, or shared with very few people.
You meet the person of your dreams. There are sparks from the first second you lay eyes on them. The electricity that fills the room is unbearable. You have so much in common it's almost scary, but not quite scary because of the connection you feel with this person. You like the same things, you love the same things, you dislike the same things, your senses of humor are so in sync that you "get it" when nobody else does. A simple look from this person can turn your insides to jelly, and make you walk in to walls. Where has this person been all your life? How can it be that someone so perfect for you has taken so long to show up?
You fall in love. You fall hard. You make plans for the future. You combine checking accounts. You move in together. You may even get married. You have joint purchases with this person. Everything you do, you do together. (but yes, there are the times that you both spend with your respective friends) You start your own traditions, traditions you plan to carry on for the rest of your life with this person.
And then one day, out of the blue, this person walks out. There has been no warning. There is no talking about it. What you had thought all this time was the perfect person, turns out to be a person you just really don't know. Has it all been an act all this time? Did this person ever really love you? Were all the things and plans said and done with this person real? or was it just this person going through the motions?
You realize that your fairytale romance/relationship, has now turned in to a nightmare. You go through all the stages of grieving a breakup, which I call the stages of a breakup. I will list them:
1. Shock – wow I can’t believe this. this came out of nowhere. How did this happen? Why did this happen? I just can’t believe he would leave me with no warning.
2. Denial – he didn’t really mean it. Things will be ok in a few days. I can’t accept this. this is when every car door you hear outside makes you jump and think he came to his senses and came back.
3. Grieving – this is when the world is about to end, your heart is shattered in a million pieces, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you can’t even breathe. You feel like you can't catch your breath because you have a boulder sitting on your chest. 15 lbs lost in a month. You look in the mirror and don’t recognize yourself because of the deep bags under your eyes, the paleness of your skin. Hair is falling out from lack of vitamins from eating. You can’t listen to the radio because you hear hidden love messages in every song, which makes you cry. You can’t watch tv because everything there makes you cry. You go in to your closet and see your wedding dress hanging there, and it brings back the deep, body shaking sobs. You rip it off the hanger and shove it in to the closest box. You will never wear it, so who cares if it gets wrinkled?
4. Anger – this is when your heart is still shattered, but now the anger has set in. how could he do this after everything we have been through together? How could he do this to me period? After all we have been through? After I have been there for him every fucking step of the way through things he went through.
5. Acceptance – you finally start to accept this is how it is. You start to sleep a little more at night. The bags aren’t so bad. Your appetite is coming back but you still can’t eat much at a time or you throw up. There are still moments of breaking down in hysterical sobbing, but it is now only a few times a day instead of all day long.
6. What. The. Fuck. – this is the most confusing of the stages. You get texts and calls from him saying “I love you” or “I miss you” or both. This is always followed by “I’m not ready to get back together” or “there is a possibility we could get back together” depending on the day. You are at the point you just don’t hold any faith in either statement, and what happens is what will happen.
7.Peace – you take a step back and realize you really might live through this after all. You reflect on what you have been through in the past 8 months, and realize who your friends really are, and definitely really aren’t. you are about to write the “aren’ts” off. Sleep is much better. When you are actually able to eat, it actually stays down. The bags under your eyes are still there, but not quite as noticeable. You get the attitude of “if he wants to talk to me he knows my number” and leave it at that. He still says he loves you, he misses you, but still doesn’t want to get back together. Instead of trying to talk to him about it, you just say “ok” and change the subject. This may be confusing to him, but you are trying to lick your wounds and heal. Crying is now reduced down to crying sometimes at bedtime, or if something triggers it…..”your song” or a special memory. Time will tell what will happen. Maybe you will get back together, maybe you won’t.
8. Moving on - Your heart is now a jaded piece of stone. You no longer cry. Life goes on, you are starting to get back in to the world of the living. When you get the texts, you roll your yes because you know they are just words, they don't mean anything. Actions speak louder than words, and if the words meant something, there would have been actions to prove it. Since there were no actions, you know in your heart they are, in fact, just words. You don't feel yet you will ever be able to trust anyone again. You realize you are just fine on your own, and do not need to have a significant other, especially one who will walk out on you. You no longer get teary at everything, you no longer have breakdowns.
So when your fairy-tale turns in to a nightmare, you will go through the stages of grieving, it's natural. But, in time you will be just fine. I promise. It may not feel that way, but you will get there. You will wake up from the nightmare, and be just fine. I promise.