Sunday, November 27, 2011

The trials and tribulations of starting over when your fairy-tale ends in a nightmare

This is a particularly sore subject with me, but since one of my most favorite people in the world asked me to write about it, I can't deny the request. It is deeply personal, and probably the only deeply personal blog entry the public will see from me. All my other deeply personal blogs are private, or shared with very few people.

You meet the person of your dreams. There are sparks from the first second you lay eyes on them. The electricity that fills the room is unbearable. You have so much in common it's almost scary, but not quite scary because of the connection you feel with this person. You like the same things, you love the same things, you dislike the same things, your senses of humor are so in sync that you "get it" when nobody else does. A simple look from this person can turn your insides to jelly, and make you walk in to walls. Where has this person been all your life? How can it be that someone so perfect for you has taken so long to show up?

You fall in love. You fall hard. You make plans for the future. You combine checking accounts. You move in together. You may even get married. You have joint purchases with this person. Everything you do, you do together. (but yes, there are the times that you both spend with your respective friends) You start your own traditions, traditions you plan to carry on for the rest of your life with this person.

And then one day, out of the blue, this person walks out. There has been no warning. There is no talking about it. What you had thought all this time was the perfect person, turns out to be a person you just really don't know. Has it all been an act all this time? Did this person ever really love you? Were all the things and plans said and done with this person real? or was it just this person going through the motions?

You realize that your fairytale romance/relationship, has now turned in to a nightmare. You go through all the stages of grieving a breakup, which I call the stages of a breakup. I will list them:


1. Shock – wow I can’t believe this. this came out of nowhere. How did this happen?  Why did this happen? I just can’t believe he would leave me with no warning.

2. Denial – he didn’t really mean it. Things will be ok in a few days. I can’t accept this. this is when every car door you hear outside makes you jump and think he came to his senses and came back.

3. Grieving – this is when the world is about to end, your heart is shattered in a million pieces, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you can’t even breathe. You feel like you can't catch your breath because you have a boulder sitting on your chest. 15 lbs lost in a month. You look in the mirror and don’t recognize yourself because of the deep bags under your eyes, the paleness of your skin. Hair is falling out from lack of vitamins from eating. You can’t listen to the radio because you hear hidden love messages in every song, which makes you cry. You can’t watch tv because everything there makes you cry. You go in to your closet and see your wedding dress hanging there, and it brings back the deep, body shaking sobs. You rip it off the hanger and shove it in to the closest box. You will never wear it, so who cares if it gets wrinkled?

4. Anger – this is when your heart is still shattered, but now the anger has set in. how could he do this after everything we have been through together? How could he do this to me period? After all we have been through? After I have been there for him every fucking step of the way through things he went through.

5. Acceptance – you finally start to accept this is how it is. You start to sleep a little more at night. The bags aren’t so bad. Your appetite is coming back but you still can’t eat much at a time or you throw up. There are still moments of breaking down in hysterical sobbing, but it is now only a few times a day instead of all day long.

6. What. The. Fuck. – this is the most confusing of the stages. You get texts and calls from him saying “I love you” or “I miss you” or both. This is always followed by “I’m not ready to get back together” or “there is a possibility we could get back together” depending on the day. You are at the point you just don’t hold any faith in either statement, and what happens is what will happen.

7.Peace – you take a step back and realize you really might live through this after all. You reflect on what you have been through in the past 8 months, and realize who your friends really are, and definitely really aren’t. you are about to write the “aren’ts” off. Sleep is much better. When you are actually able to eat, it actually stays down. The bags under your eyes are still there, but not quite as noticeable. You get the attitude of “if he wants to talk to me he knows my number” and leave it at that. He still says he loves you, he misses you, but still doesn’t want to get back together. Instead of trying to talk to him about it, you just say “ok” and change the subject. This may be confusing to him, but you are trying to lick your wounds and heal. Crying is now reduced down to crying sometimes at bedtime, or if something triggers it…..”your song” or a special memory. Time will tell what will happen. Maybe you will get back together, maybe you won’t.

8. Moving on - Your heart is now a jaded piece of stone. You no longer cry. Life goes on, you are starting to get back in to the world of the living. When you get the texts, you roll your yes because you know they are just words, they don't mean anything. Actions speak louder than words, and if the words meant something, there would have been actions to prove it. Since there were no actions, you know in your heart they are, in fact, just words. You don't feel yet you will ever be able to trust anyone again. You realize you are just fine on your own, and do not need to have a significant other, especially one who will walk out on you. You no longer get teary at everything, you no longer have breakdowns.

So when your fairy-tale turns in to a nightmare, you will go through the stages of grieving, it's natural. But, in time you will be just fine. I promise. It may not feel that way, but you will get there. You will wake up from the nightmare, and be just fine. I promise.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Guest Blog by Sit Still Silly Slut

Guest Blog by SitStillSillySlut

Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

We've all been there, long term serious relationship goes sour for one reason or another. You part ways. A week or so later you are cranky and mean and you know what it is... you need fucked. Do you want to put the effort into gettin so fresh and so clean? Do you want to really smile in the mirror and work on your lines? OR... try to call that ex. There are perks and trap doors to this idea. Let's talk about them.

Perks~

All you have to do is shower and maaaaayyybeee shave. I mean seriously, long term, serious relationship, he's seen your legs hairy. You don't even have to put on makeup if you don't want to. BONUS!! Maybe it's just me, but I hate spending the twenty minutes to put makeup on, and the half hour to forty five minutes to do my hair JUST to have the makeup smeared and the hair ratted up in an hour or two.

You CAN shower, shave, spend two hours getting knock out'd up. Call that mother fucker and have him come over and you can PUT IT THE FUCK DOWN and make him hurt because he should still want your ass like he needs air! This is a revenge fuck, in one of it's plainest forms.

You already know what to expect. He knows what you like, you know what he likes, just makes for easier, and quite possibly a better fuck. Definitely quicker and smoother... And by quicker I mean to make it to the sheets.

Some of the downers of it~

Well... he could say no. And let's face it... if he says no, it's going to hurt. He might say no on principle. If you left him, he could be severely butthurt and going to say NO to get some of his ego back. But he could say yes, hopin if he puts it down on you, you will see the error of your ways. If he left you, chances are he's already bonin' someone else. If he's a true dog, he might fuck you behind her back. Which could be fun and exciting. So you got a 50/50 shot either way.

Emotions. The bane of any true slut's existence. And I am not talkin about his feelings. If you have a touch of feelings left, sex is only going to amp them up. Don't think you are pimp and can pull it off. You can't. If you still have that dreaded disease FEELINGS, move on and go to the bar. Because the only thing that's going to happen is that you are going to let every second thought run through your mind while he's thinkin about his nut. You will get hurt again, even worse than the original break up. It's just going to be all kinds of messy.

Okay, and here's another bad one... If you aren't together anymore, who's to say it's still clean?! Most people run out and fuck someone else as soon as they are single. It helps wipe the slate clean, it's where the Rebound thing comes into play. How many rebounds have they had since you split?? Oh, ya don't know?? Were they safe when they were sweating with someone else?? Oh yeah, you don't know that either... You weren't there. People lie.

I guess it all boils down to where you stand with your ex. How do you feel about your ex? Are you pimp enough to not have any feelings except physical? Are you secure in yourself enough that if they laugh at you when you make your booty call, that you won't hurt?

Personally, my boy brain kicks in... and I think to myself... "Been there, done that." While I am shaving my legs to go to the bar. We all know that there's bigger, better and more beautiful out there... So why shouldn't I continue on my quest to find it? I would only call an ex out of desperation, and that doesn't happen. I'm too fuckin cute for me to be desperate.

Now, go dig out your flat iron and your make up bag... it's Ladies' night at the local bar.....

*BSWK*
~The Slut

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

guest blog

guest blog I did for ItMoaGG that he reworked

http://jwundersworld.blogspot.com/2011/11/advice-column-unexpected-check-in.html

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Deadbeat parents, it's not just for dad anymore


When I posted the picture a few weeks ago of the skeleton lady sitting on the bench, with the title "Waiting for child support" I had no idea the amount of comments I would get on that. I found it funny, because that is me. Waiting, and waiting for the child support that only comes every few months, if that. What I failed to know, is how little people really realize that dead beat parents are not just for dad anymore, this also applies to mothers. So when one of my lovely readers suggested I write about dead beat dads, I loved the idea because I thought what better time to make people more aware it's not just the dads?

Courts are awarding dads custody of the child(ren) more and more. You have no idea how many times I have heard "and he just got custody, that's unheard of in this state, they always side with the mom". Well yes, they used to. But the courts are slowly starting to wise up and realize that placement of custody with the mother is NOT always in the child(ren)s best interest. The courts are actually starting to pay attention during custody proceedings, and they are starting to make rulings in favor of the fathers. (and yes, I am aware this is not always the case, but it IS happening more than you know/realize)

Now, with that being said, this changes the way child support in general works. Mom doesn't make as much as dad? That doesn't matter. If the child(ren) live with dad, mom needs to support her spawn in the same manner a dad would have to. Women wanted equal rights. Guess what? You can't pick and choose what rights you want equality on.

I had a dear friend who fought, and fought, and fought to get his children away from their drug addicted mother. It was a long financially and mentally draining process, but he did finally win. He was not made of money. In fact, he struggled as a single dad the same way single moms do. I don't recall ever once hearing about him actually getting child support from the dead beat mom, nor did I ever hear him complain about it. The only think he complained about was that "Mom" (and I use the term very loosely) didn't call on birthdays or holidays. She always "forgot". Sound familiar? That's because it is. Dead beat parents are just that, dead beat parents. It doesn't matter if they are mom or dad.

When you have a child with someone, whether you are the mother, OR the father, it's your responsibility to live up to your obligations, whether it works out with you and baby mama/baby daddy. Your child deserves every ounce of support from you, their PARENT, not mom, not dad, PARENT, are ordered by the court to provide. Your child also serves emotional support, loving support, and for you to grow the fuck up and act like the parent, not their friend. (I will save that for another blog) Spend time with your kids. Go to their events (sports, school, etc). And most importantly listen when they want to talk to you.

I am lucky on one hand, because my baby daddy is active in my kid's lives, and spends time with them. On the other hand, I have heard every excuse in the book as to why he can't pay his child support on time, or at all.

So the bottom line is, I understand the frustration on not getting your child support, believe me, I understand being on that end. But what you lovely readers need to understand, is that this is NOT just a dead beat dad thing anymore, it's a dead beat PARENT thing now. We're in the year 2011. It's time to pull the mentality out of the 1950s and live in the present.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Reader submitted topic: how dating websites makes it easier to catch cheaters

I asked for reader submitted blog topics not long ago, and as always, I said the one with the most likes would be what I wrote about next. Well since this just happens to be my blog, I get to change the rules with no notice, so the topic with the most likes will be the NEXT thing I blog about. There was one topic suggestion that caught my eye, and made me say "ooooh! I like that!" The topic suggestion was directed at match.com, however, any dating site can be interchanged.

Years ago, before Al Gore invented the internet, men and women were able to have cheat/have affairs with little to no chance of being caught. Technology was nowhere near as advanced as it is now, so lame excuses such as "I was stuck in traffic" or "I had to work late" were easy enough for cheaters to get away with. Back pre-internet, a lot of companies did not have direct dial office numbers, so "I had to work late" was the most common used excuse. When the receptionist left for the day, the phones were off. The cheater knew this, and counted on it.

Fast forward many years later, in to a world dependent on technology. "I had to work late" almost never works anymore, and hasn't since cell phones started to fit in your pocket. There are people who don't have cell phones, but a cheater almost always done. A cheater can't have his or her new booty call give him/her a call at home and risk getting caught. They rely on cell phones, and their ability to stay silent, or vibrate. They can send and receive texts right in front of you, and claim it's work, family, friends, anyone but who it really is.

But since the internet came along, numerous dating websites have popped up over the years. There is a dating site out there for everyone, no matter what you're in to, or not in to, religious/spiritual beliefs, etc. The cheaters thought this was amazing! They had a new place to meet people without the awkward explanation about the big bar bill. Now since I have a personal story with adultfriendfinder.com, I am going to go with that instead of match.com

Many years back, I happened to be sitting at my ex's desk, when an email came in. He had his email neatly sorted in to folders, with rules applied so they would go in to said folders when email arrived. I heard the "ding" when the email came in, and it went in to MY folder. odd, I am sitting right the fuck here? how can *I* send him an email? He was standing there, and started shifting uncomfortably. I looked at him and asked what the fuck is he up to now, and turned and looked to see what *I* sent. Well imagine my surprise to see that in MY folder, were a gazillion emails from adultfriendfinder.com, and all the women he had been talking to.

I told him to get out out (yes, of his own office, his life depended on it at this point) and spent the next hour reading everything. When I had calmed down enough to not kick the fuck out of him, I told him that was it, if I ever found out he was on there again, we were done. Then came the promises of never again. You know the bullshit.

Fast forward a few months. I noticed he was getting jumpy about me going near his desk. Mmk then. So I went to adultfriendfinder.com, set myself up a profile that I knew would appeal to him, and sat back to wait. Within 2 days, I had an email from him. I ignored it, but I DID notice he had a new profile. So while he DID assure me he was going to shut down the profile, I guess I wasn't fucking specific enough to say stay the fuck OFF that site completely, you know, because you're MARRIED. With the new login, I was able to learn all kinds of new things (he is not a bright man, he still to this day uses the exact same password for everything that he did back then) So being the sweet, loving wife that I was, I changed HIS profile to attract anything and everything BUT what he was looking for, and put his cell number in his profile. yes he got a lot of calls. No it was not from anyone he would have ever wanted to hear from, and yes after a few days I DID tell him what I discovered. And NO that was not why we are divorced, but it was a contributing factor. That is another blog for another day.

The moral of the story is you may think you are getting away with cheating, but with the way technology advances daily, you won't forever. Not only can you be "set up" on a dating site, but people can find all kinds of things out about you on the internet. And one day, when you are on one of these sites talking to someone who seems too good to be true? They probably are, they are probably a very pissed off significant other of either yourself, or the person you think you're talking to.

And on a slightly more disturbing note, how do you really know that person you're talking to isn't your own mom or dad pretending to be 20 years younger? Or even one of your siblings? It's fucking happened, google it. People can be whoever they want to be on the internet, it's in real life that their real self/colors show.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Reader submitted topic: "Adults acting like high school students by gossiping and acting jealous of others"

Adults acting like children. Wow, we ALL know these people. I like to call them "frienemies" They are not truly friends, and yet not truly enemies. They are somewhere in the middle, will lean more in one direction than the other depending on how happy they are with you at any given time. They are the people who are so miserably unhappy with themselves, that they can work themselves up in to acting like a child. The behavior that they display is usually a direct result of not getting their way in some way.

The frienemy will gossip about their friends, family, coworkers, the Walmart greeter, anyone can be a target of this gossip. As with all people who gossip, they take one small piece of truth, and twist in to a fairy tale of lies. by the time this gossip is repeated enough times, it is nowhere near what was originally said and is now a rumor. These adults who gossip also spread rumors, all to make other people around them look bad. This can be anything from "I heard that guy used to deal drugs" to "She is a prostitute out of her kitchen while her kids are at school". These rumors have the potential to cause real harm. The frienemy does not care about this, the frienemy only cares about getting their way, because that is how they are.

The frienemy also has a tendency to be extremely jealous of those around them. It can be everything from a job someone has, to a relationship, to financial standing. We have all had at least a small stab of jealousy at some point in our lives, but most of us can contain it. It does not matter to the frienemy whether or not you have worked your ass off round the clock to build your business up, or have truly met your soulmate and married/started a family with them. A jealous person does not see reason, they only see something you have, that they want. The frienemy will smile to your face and tell you how happy they are for you, yet they are thinking to themselves about all the ways they can stab you in the back, because it's just SO UNFAIR. why should YOU get to have this when the frienemy can't?

The frienemy does all these things as a way of seeking attention in some way. The more they do these things, the more attention they feel they get when people ask if these things are true. They feel they are winning, however, they do not realize it is only a matter of time before thier "frienemy" status is discovered, and all these things they have been doing to gain attention will blow in their face.

Ironically, even though these adults act this way, they scold their children relentlessly to not do them. How can they do this, you ask? My thought is they know exactly what they are doing, and have been doing it for so long they can't stop themselves but they don't want their children to grow up to be this way.

There is no reasoning with the frienemy. People have tried and failed through out history.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Reader submitted topic: "The snowball effect on Facebook"

There was once a girl who got on Facebook during the day from work, and updated her status. In her status she called out several of her coworkers, by first name, and talked all kinds of shit about them. In the status update, she also mentioned that the company she works for was filing bankruptcy and would be shut down within the next few months. This was not yet public knowledge.

Someone on her friend's list who worked for a competor saw this status update, and showed his boss. This someone, also "shared" the status update of the girl so all his coworkers could see, who then in turn shared it. Lather, rinse, repeat. Before you knew it, it was not just public knowledge that this company was going to file bankruptcy/shut down, but it was a top story of the news that night since it was not a small company. This was very problematic to the company shutting down, as they had counted on income from those last few months to help pay employee salaries, and other things.

The girl, after posting said update, went about her day and didn't give it a second thought. When she went in the next day, however, she was more than surprised to find her boss was furious. She was fired on the spot, (yes, she was losing her job anyway, but that is not the point of this story. keep up) escorted out of the building, and was unable to collect unemployment. She ended up losing her apartment and her car, and had to move back in with her parents, at age 35.

What is the point of this tale, you're asking? This is just one of many, many examples of the snowball effect of things said on Facebook. You may think that what you are saying is "private" because you have something posted set to be viewed as "friends only". There is no such thing, and that is the truth. I can almost guarantee you have at least one "Frienemy" lurking in the shadows (I will be posting about the frienemy...be patient darlings) If you post something on Facebook (or the internet in general) you can expect that somehow, someway, it can and will become public. This can be done through screenshots, through "sharing" a status, or through copy and paste. nothing, absolutely nothing on the internet is private, or even friends only. This goes for messages on Facebook, email, status updates, and pictures. yes, even pictures are not safe. And guess what? with the new "smart phones" out there that can screenshot text messages, text messages are no longer private.

The point of this post is the snowball effect of things said on Facebook can be devastating. Nothing is private. If what you have to say is something that not everyone should know, you have no business posting about it. It's up to you to be responsible and act like a responsible adult. If you are irresponsible, you WILL be responsible for the snowball effect of what you post. I promise the person/people it affects will come back to you as the originator.